Shave 'em Dry, the play

To: Retort
From: JS

John writes:
Apologies for a collective note. I've just completed a full-length, two-act play and wanted to let you know. 

Shave 'em Dry! is titled after the unexpurgated version of the song recorded by Lucille Bogan and pianist Walter Roland on March 5, 1935, in New York City. The play's action takes place on that day and requires a cast of six. Its major conceit arises from Edmund Spenser's poem, "The Faerie Queen."

Please do not feel in any way obligated, but you're welcome to a copy of the playscript. I can send you a pdf file or a copy by mail that includes a CD with a suite of the four songs that appear in whole or in part during the course of the play (Lucille Bogan's "Shave 'em Dry" (unexpurgated version), "Alley Boogie," "Pig Iron Sally," and Walter Roland's "Big Mama"). The playscript runs about 105 pages.

"Shave 'em Dry" is considered the most stunning "dirty" blues ever recorded [see lyrics below. IB]. The epic "Faerie Queen" needs no introduction.

I am trying to arrange for a reading of the play in Manhattan at the end of January, and can send you details.

With best wishes for the holidays,

John 

John Galbraith Simmons
www.jgsimmons.com

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[Herewith Matt Schild's top ten dirty ditties, and the unexpurgated lyrics of "Shave'em Dry". IB]

"Cocksucker Blues" by The Rolling Stones (various bootlegs) -- The Stones have been famously censored by everyone from Ed Sullivan to the 2006 Super Bowl, but when they're not making nice for television audiences, the Stones have a dirty streak. In a distinctly Brokeback moment, Mick Jagger weaves a tale of a country boy who moved on up to London for some fun, and is left wondering "Oh where can I go to get my cock sucked? Where can I go to get my ass fucked?" as Keith Richards does his blues-revival thing. Unsurprisingly, the legendary tune never made it onto an officially released album.

"Crab Louse" by The Lords of Acid from Voodoo-U (1994, American) -- When Lords of Acid singer Lady Galore begged to sit on our faces in "I Sit on Acid" or lusted for a bit more than meow in "Pussy" we realized she's a woman who likes to party. With "Crab Louse," she said scabies "Turns me on/Makes me come!" and 99 percent of America's industrial dance world realized this was one  lady it couldn't keep up with.

"I Want Lunch" by The Dead Boys from Young Loud and Snotty (1977, Sire) -- In an era when punk rockers were empowering their fans with talk of revolution, Detroit's Dead Boys were paying homage to legendary groupie Lydia Lunch in "I Need Lunch." Merging the world-class double entendre of Lunch's name with lines like "I don't really want to dance/Girl, I just want to get in your pants," the Dead Boys revealed what they were doing when they should have been practicing.

"Oh Bondage, Up Yours!" by X-Ray Spex from Germ-Free Adolescents (1978, Caroline) -- Bondage and submission are such common themes in popular music (check everything from Depeche Mode's "Master and Servants" to My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult's "Leathersex"), that it's not even naughty anymore. Singer Poly Styrene's sure bored with it, and somehow manages to make lines like "Bind me/Tie me/Chain me to a wall/I want to be a slave for you all" sound as boring as titillating as she laughs off the bedroom fad of the late '70s.

"Orgasm Addict" by Buzzcocks from Singles Going Steady (1979, IRS) -- "It's a habit that sticks," confides Buzzcocks front man Pete Shelly, and he ain't talking about smoking. Amid references to X-rated magazines, stained jeans and "beating your meat to a pulp," The Buzzcocks delivered the truth about self-indulgence without qualms or hairy palms to slow them down.

"Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood from Welcome to the Pleasuredome (1984, Island) -- An unlikely hit if there ever was one, Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax" wasn't just a call to kick off your shoes and stay a while. It was an impassioned plea to the gay dance-club community not to blow their wad too soon. It'd spawn about 12 different remixes annually since its release, a minor furor among conservatives and an obscure reference on a pretty iffy episode of Friends.

"She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper from She?s So Unusual (1984, Portrait) -- Songs about masturbation are relatively rare as it is. Songs about masturbation that climb to No. 3 on the Billboard Pop Charts are about as common as a full-blown case of Hulkamania. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you 1984 for both.

"Sir Psycho Sexy" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers from Blood Sugar Sex Magic (1991, Warner Bros.) -- Before the aging alt-funksters resorted to writing clones of Tom Petty tunes, The Red Hot Chili Peppers had to resort to cashing in on the sleaze-rap fad started by 2 Live Crew with "Sir Psycho Sexy." In a white-boy rapper voice that'd make Vanilla Ice blush, Anthony Keidis spends an astonishing eight minutes chronicling the conquests of the song's title character. It didn't launch the Peppers' into rap history, but it came up with lyrical gems like "Like a ram getting ready to jam the lamb, she whimpered just a little when she felt my hand."

"Sixty Minute Man" by The Dominoes -- Although a 60-minute marathon is still something to boast about in the era of ecstasy and Viagra, The Dominoes' supreme lover-man gets by on a technicality: "There?ll be 15 minutes of kissin'/Then you'll holler 'Please don't stop!/ There'll be 15 minutes of teasin', 15 minutes of pleasin' and 15 minutes of me blowin' my top," as front man Billy Ward sang. Even with 45 minutes of foreplay aside, The Dominoes' hour-long romper was pretty dirty in its day -- 1951 -- and managed a short burst of crossover success before Elvis' famous pelvis started shaking.

"Shave 'Em Dry" by Lucille Bogan (1935)  -- The Rolling Stones might have borrowed the "make a dead man come" line from this legendary bawdy blues singer's signature tune, but Sir Mick and company left a few references behind. You know, like the ones about " nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb" or "Your god damn asshole stands open like a church door/And the crabs walks in like people." Start me up, indeed.

SHAVE 'EM DRY

I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin' between my legs'll make a dead man come,
Oh daddy, baby won't you shave 'em dry?
(Aside: Now, draw it out!)
Want you to grind me baby, grind me until I cry.
(Roland: Uh, huh.)

Say I fucked all night, and all the night before baby,
And I feel just like I wanna, fuck some more,
Oh great God daddy,
(Roland: Say you gonna get it. You need it.)
Grind me honey and shave me dry,
And when you hear me holler baby, want you to shave it dry.

I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
Daddy you say that's the kind of 'em you want, and you can make 'em come,
Oh, daddy shave me dry,
(Roland: She ain't gonna work for it.)
And I'll give you somethin' baby, swear it'll make you cry.

I'm gon' turn back my mattress, and let you oil my springs,
I want you to grind me daddy, 'til the bell do ring,
Oh daddy, want you to shave 'em dry,
Oh great God daddy, if you can't shave 'em baby won't you try?

Now if fuckin' was the thing, that would take me to heaven,
I'd be fuckin' in the studio, till the clock strike eleven,
Oh daddy, daddy shave 'em dry,
I would fuck you baby, honey I'd make you cry.

Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell sapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddam ass-hole stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walks in like people.

Aside: Ow, shit!
(Roland: Aah, sure enough, shave 'em dry?)
Aside: Ooh! Baby, won't you shave 'em dry

A big sow gets fat from eatin' corn,
And a pig gets fat from suckin',
Reason you see this whore, fat like I am,
Great God, I got fat from fuckin'.

Aside: Eeeeh! Shave 'em dry
(Roland: Aah, shake it, don't break it)

My back is made of whalebone,
And my cock is made of brass,
And my fuckin' is made for workin' men's two dollars,
Great God, round to kiss my ass.

Aside: Oh! Whoo, daddy, shave 'em dry