Google apology

To: Retort

Via: Anon

March 2, 2010

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Responding to recent public outcries over its  
handling of private data, search giant Google offered a wide-ranging  
and eerily well-informed apology to its millions of users Monday.

"We would like to extend our deepest apologies to each and every one  
of you," announced CEO Eric Schmidt, speaking from the company's  
Googleplex headquarters. "Clearly there have been some privacy  
concerns as of late, and judging by some of the search terms we've  
seen, along with the tens of thousands of personal e-mail exchanges  
and Google Chat conversations we've carefully examined, it looks as  
though it might be a while before we regain your trust."  Google  
expressed regret to some of its third-generation Irish-American users  
on Smithwood between Barlow and Lake.

Added Schmidt, "Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425  
Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from  
Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at  
Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are."

Schmidt's apology appeared suddenly at 9 a.m. Monday on Google's  
homepage, Chrome browser, and YouTube, as well as on every single  
Android-enabled cell phone, and sought to reassure Americans that the  
company would take all necessary steps to keep confidential  
information, from Social Security numbers to gonorrhea test results,  
absolutely safe.

Acknowledging that Google hasn't always been open about how it mines  
the roughly 800 terabytes of personal data it has gathered since 1998,  
Schmidt apologized to users— particularly the 1,237,948 who take daily  
medication to combat anxiety—for causing any unnecessary distress, and  
he expressed regret—especially to Patricia Fort, a single mother  
taking care of Jordan, Sam, and Rebecca, ages 3, 7, and 9—for not  
doing more to ensure that private information remains private.

Monday's apology comes after the controversial launch of Google Buzz,  
a social networking platform that publicly linked Gmail users to their  
most e-mailed contacts by default.

"I'd like nothing more than to apologize in person to everyone we've  
let down, but as you can see, many of our users are rarely home at  
this hour," said Google cofounder and president Sergey Brin, pointing  
to several Google Map street-view shots of empty bedroom and living  
room windows on a projection screen behind him. "And, if last night's  
searches are any indication, Boston's Robert Hornick is probably out  
shopping right now for the spaghetti and clam sauce he'll be cooking  
tonight."

"Either that, or hunting down that blond coworker of his, Samantha,  
whose Picasa photos he stares at every night," Brin added.

While admitting that security measures need to improve, Google  
officials also claimed that everyone makes mistakes, be it storing  
confidential data indefinitely or, say, "having a few too many drinks  
on the evening of Jan. 23, driving home in a haze, striking a  
pedestrian on the corner of Mercer and Cavendish, speeding off, and  
then desperately searching online for hit and run laws, right, Karen?"

"Americans have every right to be angry at us," Google spokesperson  
Janet Kemper told reporters. "Though perhaps Dale Gilbert should just  
take a few deep breaths and go sit in his car and relax, like they  
tell him to do at the anger management classes he attends over at St.  
Francis Church every Tuesday night."

"Breathe in, breathe out," Kemper added. "We wouldn't want you to have  
another incident, Dale. Not when you've been doing so well."

In an effort to make up for years of alarmingly invasive service,  
Google will automatically add $50 to all American bank accounts as a   
gesture of goodwill. The company has also encouraged feedback,  
explaining that users can type any concerns they may still have into  
any open browser window or, if they are members of Google Voice,  
"simply speak directly into [their] phones right now."

Either way, the company said, "We'll know."

So far, Google users across the country have responded cautiously to  
the company's public admission of wrongdoing, with some claiming they  
will be careful not to reveal any personal information from now on,  
and others ripping up their credit cards, unplugging all electronic  
devices from their outlets, and locking themselves in their bathrooms  
away from any cameras, keyboards, satellite dishes, or cell phones.

"I forgive Google, I forgive Google, I forgive Google," said Ohio  
resident Darla Mackenzie, sitting on the edge of her bathtub, her head  
in her hands. "Please, please, don't tell Jonathan about the things I  
have done."